I did a thing....

I think "I did a thing" slightly under values the thing, as far as things I would ordinarily do goes, or not do more to the point. Well, to me it does anyway.

That was I lot of "things" for once sentence, I'm not even sorry.

For those that know me that read you'll know what I mean, for everybody else, I'll give you a brief summary of why one may not have usually done such things. 

I suppose the years and years of crippling anxiety, lack of self worth, self belief, and a professional inbuilt self critic would squander most hopes of ever doing much, it also, for over a decade trapped me in my head, mostly in my house and occasionally in a psych ward. So the if somebody would have told that Zoe  what I was about to do, She would either laugh hysterically or have a panic attack on my behalf, or both coming to think of it. 

I've come quite a way, More so in recent years but I still have those inbuilt responses, those alarms and panics and doubts, I have done many things that have scared me in aid of healing because I am absolutely sick to death of being scared of everything, so I'm trying to make a point of doing all the things that scare me and not just out of necessity and survival but because I want to do more, I want to share more, I want to experience more, I want to be more.

As a rule, walking into a room (A room in my head that was going to be massively open and exposing but was actually quite the opposite in a really nice way) that I had obviously never been in before, by myself, with a pretty good case of imposter syndrome in this department, knowing I'd be faced with and unknown amount of strangers, who I thought would wonder what the hell I was doing there, just as much as I was. It is something at one point I would never have even entertained the idea of doing, at every element.

But I did and I'm so glad I did.

I went to HIVE JIVE at HIVEarts above the HIVE urban farm shop In Blackpool, The shop part, being somewhere I'd been for hot chocolates and cake, with my mum frequently.

We had noticed and admired the ever changing gallery wall. And imagined how cool it would be to have something up there but with no actual thoughts of that ever being a reality.

I was welcomed with a friendly hello, follow by more, offered to take a seat with the group of people there, who were casually chatting (on more than one occasion when I've been entering the doom of the unknown, I sort of end up awkwardly stood hovering near the exist, so this was as helpful as it was inviting.)

The people that run it suggested we all make our introductions and so we did, I wish I could remember everybody's names but I cant.

They were really good about opening conversations with everybody, there photographers, Painters and a jewellery maker who did something else I also cant remember the name of. 

I was asked about what I did and hesitantly shared some pictures of some of my paintings and got some surprisingly positive reactions, somethings about positive noises and words coming from creative, skilled, talented people makes my insides do a little dance. 

I was a little bit overwhelmed and overstimulated by it all but the expected feelings of inadequacy didn't come, even though I was in the company of people a damn sight more knowledgeable than me about a lot of things and I think that says a lot about their nature the motivations of the founders and what they are trying to achieve.

I learnt a lot about what has been put into building what it has become and loved the fact that its purpose is to step outside of the norms of the regular art world, that you're average joe would rarely have the ability to access and give them a voice and a space to share their creations.

The space itself is honestly my kind of vibe (must find another word for vibe) Industrial, Raw, open but not cosmetically so and obviously art everywhere, by an Artist that was holding an exhibit there (very informative aren't, I'm going to have to start writing things down, my brain is an actual sieve) 

Anyway, it was a fucking awesome place to be and although I have only been once I very much intend to go back regularly and hopefully with less fear each time.

Sorry for the lack of info, I'll do better but this is their Facebook page....

https://www.facebook.com/HiveArtsBpl/

That morning before I set off I read a quote that said "Your life does not get better by chance, It gets batter by change." and It just reinforced all the reasons I need to try and stop being so fucking scared of everything.

I'm grateful to have people that consistently encourage me, I'm grateful I managed it, I'm grateful a place exists where I can learn and grow and do some peopling with a group of diverse creatives, in space that has something to look at from every angle, and the the things that have recently fluttered about as fantasy, begin to delicately flutter into the realm of possibility. dare I?

I'm currently doing things I once thought were never possible, so who knows what other impossible things might be to come (did you think of Wonker to?)

I wish I'd have taken photos to add, I didn't, acceptance is key i guess. maybe next time.

Forever chaotic

Zoe.