It's February 2024, It feels like my entire world is collapsing down around me, more than one of my closest relationships feeling like they are hanging in the balance. All of my worst habits, urges and thoughts rising to the surface, like I had never been anybody else. All the same feelings to all the same heights that had many times put me in some pretty precarious predicaments.
But.... Different. Along with the many unhealthy urges I had going on, I had another, rage out on a canvas, I don't know where it came from but I couldn't shake it.
I dug into the depths of my cupboards to dig out whatever supplies I could find, and splatted.
Red was my main colour of choice, I guess that makes sense on reflection, the blood I imagined (just my own, maybe i'll tell you about it one day) and the heart ache and the frustration and rage, and the burning feeling throughout my whole body, all screams red really doesn't it and then a black and a white for contrast, done.
Aesthetically, this was the outcome, emotionally, I found something new, as I splatted and poured (and screamed and cried), moved around the colour and created shape and form and layers, without thought, or a plan, each layer became a new release, a new feeling being exhibited and guided.
Eventually each stroke becoming a calm, each feeling becoming less intense and in front of me I saw pain, mess, chaos but also all the harmful things I didn't do, then for the first time, I felt compassion, for me.
although externally and behaviour says differently about my healing process, that day felt like the first time something internally had altered for the better, like something clicked in m soul and said this is where I'm supposed to be, this is where your healing really starts.
I sat in a pile on my kitchen floor, for I don't know how long, A little bit frozen by my experience and then I carried on.
I realised that through all my years trying to find a "wise mind" state that without trying that is what I had achieved. I am equally as embarrassed, as I am ashamed to say, through all the pain and desperation, for the first time, something positive had managed to penetrate and win and I had achieved that alone, that for me was very much a first.
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