From picking up a paint brush in February and deciding this is what I wanted to do with my life and realising the benefit to my mental health in doing so, I painted, every feeling, every experience, it was my most authentic form of self expression and then life happened.
Now you might be thinking surely that's good, you can paint it all, more inspiration and to point, you'd be right.
however, when those slithers of chaos and depression and changes of season and your self worth takes and absolute kick in, through all the want and need in the world, the gusto required to commit to picking up that paintbrush has left me.
The self doubt, The crippling anxiety, the wonder if I'm just delusional, the frustration of having to push through something that came so naturally..... I couldn't connect, I shat on everything I started, i screamed interally while looking at a blank space or and absolute mess, no in between. Doesn't really make for confidemce builing when you've got and exhibit to prep for. The doom cycle ensued and the shame waves drowned me.
Above is my most recent attempt of breaking through that, at first it felt as the others did I struggled and muddled through the mess of my brain and the paint but in the final moments it all felt like it pulled together and relief I had being able to eventually get all that was pent up, out again was so lifting.
Now a hope to have the ability to rebuild and refocus my energy's into the one thing I have for me, the people that are like minded and the place I built to express what I need to for the betterment of my mental health, without letting life doing life get int way. GULP.
This piece doesn't have name yet, a representation of the inner battle and outer battle, life struggles, the push and pull of relationships and the fear brought in trying to find that balance. It will be part of my exhibit in May but can be reserved with a deposit for anybody interested. Thankyou for reading my chaos and troubles and mind wobbles.
Forever chaotic,
Zoe Siobhan.
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